Time to back away from friendship

Updated: September 1, 2011, By Judith Martin

Dear Miss Manners: I have a friend who doesn’t listen very well, yet thinks she is an excellent conversationalist. When I talk to her, my words are just there to let her find an opening to talk about herself, which she does with gusto. Sometimes both conversations go on at the same time. (She doesn’t care if she talks over me.) She can’t wait—it’s too important because it’s about HER.

The original conversation is just in her way, I guess. If I wait a minute, she realizes that I was talking. I can hear her change gears and retrace her steps to the original conversation. She’ll stammer something about what I had been talking about.

It’s demoralizing, because I know she’s just remembering her manners, but is really interested in talking only about herself. If I say a strong opinion in a conversation, instead of responding to it, she’ll yelp out a different side of the thought and never comment on my opinion. It’s like I’m talking to myself.

And if I talk of something that she can’t plug into her own life, there is dead silence for a minute, then she overreaches for something far-fetched, just so she can talk about herself. Anything is better than just responding to what I am saying.

As might be expected, I don’t dare complain to her about this. She is not keen on getting complaints. I would be screamed at.

Gentle Reader: Your friend has no interest in you whatsoever and screams at you if you dare to question her.

Miss Manners recommends changing your telephone number. She hopes you do not harbor the illusion that the failure to exhibit respect and—in the case of a friend—genuine interest and affection is a mere oversight that can be corrected by calling it to the offender’s attention.

Sink ‘friends’ who pushed cruise plan

Updated: August 25, 2011 By Judith Martin

Dear Miss Manners: The daughter of a dear friend planned a destination wedding shortly after her engagement a year ago. She chose a cruise, with the wedding on an island we would be visiting on the cruise.

My husband and I were reluctant to go for several reasons. We both had to take a week of vacation and go on a cruise in which we have no interest. We tried polite refusals to the invitation but finally caved in and agreed to go.

Two weeks ago, the bride canceled the wedding. We have trip insurance, but it will not cover this type of cancellation— the wedding was called off only three weeks in advance, so we get nothing back if we decide not to go.

We are now stuck with a cruise that we do not want because of the canceled wedding. My husband refuses to go and has withdrawn his request for time off from work. I will not go without him.

My husband thinks that the bride and her family should compensate guests who cannot get any money back. Our friends heavily pressured us to go and threatened to end the friendship if we did not. We are trying to be gracious, but we have paid a significant amount of money to attend this destination wedding. Do you have any advice for us?

Gentle Reader: Lots: Do not commit to major expenses of time and money for things you do not want to do.

Do not consider people friends if they threaten to break off the friendship if you do not cave in to their wishes.

Stop debating about asking these people for compensation. Miss Manners assures you that their original lack of regard for your circumstances indicates that they are not going to worry about, much less pay for, the losses incurred by you and probably dozens of others.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) at MissManners@unitedmedia.com or mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

Vultures swarm after dad’s death

Updated: September 29, 2010, 8:55 AM

By Judith Martin

Dear Miss Manners: My father died after a short illness. Almost immediately after the funeral, people started saying, basically, “Gee, I’m sorry your Dad died. By the way, he promised me that I could have (item or property) someday. Can I have it now?”

My mother, siblings and I are frankly flabbergasted that people would do this in the midst of our mourning. (Dad died less than a month ago.)We are also shocked at the sheer number of people who are doing this. One person even tried to bully my mother into giving him something he said he was promised well over a decade ago!

Until now, we have been fixing people with an icy look and a message that nothing is being given away unless my mother decides to do so (delivered in a flat tone.) You would not believe the number of people who come back the next day asking if Mom has had a chance to make her decision yet!

We would like the begging to stop, but we don’t want to escalate the rudeness since many of the people asking for things are her neighbors. The situation is just too raw for us to think about giving away my father’s things.

Can you help us with something to say that will convey the message without confrontation, please?We think that some of these people really don’t realize what they are doing and we don’t want them to feel like idiots, but this situation must stop, if only for my mother’s sake.

Gentle Reader: Why are you flattering these people by characterizing them as idiots who do not realize what they are doing?

It seems to Miss Manners that they know exactly what they are doing: taking advantage of a bereaved family by attempting to cozen them with the smarmy tactic of invoking the wishes of the deceased.

Perhaps your father did offer to give things away, although Miss Manners is suspicious of these claims. His illness was short, and it seems unlikely that he spent it making such promises. If he did, surely you would have known about it.

In addition to the disposition of property he made in his will, you will probably honor any wishes he may have expressed to the family informally. But if you want to do anything beyond that, you—the family—are the best ones to guess what would have pleased him.

However, even Miss Manners can tell you what would go against his wishes. He would not have wished to reward people who harassed his family.

What you should say to them is, “We appreciate your kind wishes. We have his will, and we know his most recent intentions, so if there is anything coming to you, you will hear from us or from his lawyer. Thank you for stopping by.”

The opening and closing sentences here are designed to make these people realize their rudeness. But in a polite way, of course.

Miss Manners: Have a seat if you’ve got the cash

By Judith Martin
Updated: October 30, 2008

Dear Miss Manners: I believe I already know your stance on cash requests for weddings in lieu of gifts: that it is never appropriate. This may be a new wrinkle (although no doubt you’ve heard and seen them all):

My sister is remarrying at fiftysomething to another fiftysomething. Their expensive wedding invitation states that they already have enough stuff and are requesting guests to “endow a chair.”

At first, I thought I was being asked to fund some needy student’s scholarship or deserving professorship. Then I noticed on the return portion of the invitation, right next to meal choices, was a little box to check for the number of chairs I was willing to endow at $60 apiece.

I went off the deep end, thinking, What next? BYOB? BYOF? Or perhaps we would just bring our own chairs, sidestepping the need for endowment.

Now, I’m in a quandary as to whether I’m allowed to attend the wedding and reception if I don’t pony up $120 for my husband and I.

I’m sure the food and drink at the party will be wonderful, and expensive, but I already have a bad taste in my mouth. How does one politely respond to such a proposal? I would like to be on speaking terms with my sister for the next 50 years.

Gentle Reader: Actually, that is a new one on Miss Manners. And she hates to repeat it, knowing that there will be people who, far from being appalled at this astounding display of greed and vulgarity, will think, “What a good idea.”

Why anyone would want to attend a wedding of people who think of them merely as customers is hard to imagine. But you are the bride’s sister. It would behoove you to commiserate with her for having been reduced to such public begging. You might consider sending her a check, accompanied by a plausible excuse to cover sparing yourself the embarrassment of having bought entrance to her wedding.


Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) at MissManners@unitedmedia.com or mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2008 Judith Martin